From the Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Truth

By now this video has been all over the world and back again. The raw hurt shown here is hard to watch. It can make people uncomfortable. In fact, it's made a few people so uncomfortable, they've manufactured a controversy over the veracity of this video.

I'm uncomfortable with the volumes that speaks about them.

While some may have honestly mistaken this video as an admission to lying...

...it is obvious that this video was made much later after the outpouring of support and concern the former video rightfully elicited.

These videos elicited much worse responses from a few particularly poisonous personalities, though. Particularly noticeable among the usual homophobic bile was the use of a common tactic bullies employ when bothered by the facts: smear victims further by attacking their credibility.

There are a number of ways bullies go about this.

Downplaying the pain bullying inflicts is not an outright denial of responsibility, but accusing the victim of overreacting is a ploy to shift blame away from the bully. Attacking the victim's overall personality is even more common. A person branded a crybaby or drama queen will have a hard time feeling like he or she can be taken seriously.

Questioning a victim's mental health and how it affects credibility is even worse, from kids simply calling each other crazy to adults arming themselves with a cursory knowledge of psychology and publically sharing their "diagnoses" of their victims. If the victim has a known mental health history, bullies will stoop to playing up old stereotypes and stigmas associated with mental illness in order to make it look like the victim simply imagined he or she was bullied.

Last but not least is outright accusing the victim of lying. I won't deny that false accusations do fly- usually from bullies trying to hide or justify their own behavior. 

But the young man in this video didn't name anyone, didn't name his school, didn't even leave any hints as to who exactly was bullying him, which makes me wonder why some of the people who've responded so harshly got so defensive. There is also nothing in it for anyone to lie about being bullied. It's not fun for victims to even tell the truth, fearing as we do exposing our vulnerabilities to others and opening ourselves up to more bullying.

And given how many people have died because of bullying, the stakes are too high for us to not take it all seriously.

That's why I never doubted Jonah Mowry.

From the Bully Pulpit

I've got no witty subtitle for this entry. No bad puns. Nothing to soften the blow.

Ryan Halligan, Kristina Calco, Tyler Clementi, April Himes, Jared High, Phoebe Prince, Brandon Swartwood, Desire Dryer, Austin Murphy, Corinne Wilson, Jeffrey Johnston, Cassie Gielecki, Eric Mohat, Megan Meier, Carl Walker-Hoover, Alexis Pilkington... and now Jamey Rodemeyer... make up only a portion of a tragically long list of people who have died- I must emphasize DIED- as a result of being bullied.

When examining the research, it's easy to see how bullying, far from "harmless fun" as some bullies would try to rationalize it, can kill. A study released by the US National Institute of Health cites a high risk for personality disorders as well as high risk behaviors like substance abuse and other criminal behavior among bullies. Those being bullied are more likely to suffer from social or generalized anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, a variety of physical ailments associated with stress, and depression. And it concludes that bullying is associated with "multiple health, safety, and educational hazards" for both bullies and victims, citing a high risk of death from "self-inflicted, accidental, or perpetuated injuries," and the affects of bullying, both physical and psychological, can linger for years.

Even people who witness bullying are at higher risk of suffering adverse mental health effects.

The message for bullies is clear, even without the increasing attempts to further criminalize bullying and give more legal recourse to victims or- as the case too often is- their surviving families. Stop it now! Even if you don't care about your victims or anyone else, stop it at least for your own good and get help.

As for those who have been bullied, as proven by Jamey Rodemeyer's death, we have a lot more work to do than sing upbeat songs and make feel-good videos. The sad truth, as I'm sure I've said before, is that bullying doesn't just go away. It doesn't get better on its own. We have to make it better.

One way to do that, in my opinion, is to do away with describing bullying by its targets. When we treat gay bullying, race bullying, et cetera as if they are separate and unrelated problems, we're divided and conquerable. Regardless of what the excuse, whether it be race, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or just being an oddball, bullying is bullying is bullying. We're in this together, and that's how we'll best overcome bullying.

From the Bully Pulpit: Dealing With the Oppressed Oppressor

One of the most dangerous characteristics of bullying is that it is infectious. That is most often apparent when a ringleader or "queen bee" secures a complicit or at least silent audience, getting them all involved in bullying or at least in silently condoning bullying. However, it is more tragic when the victim becomes so infected he or she- often unknowingly- also becomes a bully. Even worse is when the victim is aware of his or her behavior, but feels justified or uses his or her status as a victim as an excuse. Pop culture and even history itself are rife with examples. In the Harry Potter books, Severus Snape performs his job faithfully, but doesn't lose any opportunity to vent some anger in the direction of his bully's son. The downtrodden kids in  Saved use bullying tactics to bring down their "queen bee" oppressor.  Linsday Lohan's character in Mean Girls is an even better example, as her transformation into a "mean girl" is noted and she is held to account for her actions.  Comic books give us a good example in X-Men's Juggernaut, who was abused as a child and grew up feeling an almost constant need to take his anger out on others. The most extreme example pop culture has to offer (and I'm open to hearing different suggestions) may be Magneto, who, when written well, believes he's acting in the world's best interests when his attitudes and aspirations echo those of his old Nazi oppressors.

History offers much harsher examples of bullying victims gone bad- from individuals seeking revenge, to school shootings, to murderous dictatorships. The details are easy enough to read elsewhere, and I won't go into them here, mostly because I don't want to come across as making excuses for their actions. Being bullied, insulted, or otherwise wronged does not justify returning the favor. Period.


So how do you deal with someone who is bullying someone who allegedly wronged them? Suppose they really have been wronged? Suppose they're trying to get even with you?

First of all, if you're a bully getting some of that right back, stop bullying. If you've wronged the person who's targeting you, try to apologize and make it right. Recognize the difference between self-defense and retaliation. If you are in the process of doing wrong, and they stand up to you or do whatever they need to defend themselves, they are not retaliating and not bullying you. They are justified in their actions. But if they're trying to get even after the fact and outside appropriate channels, you're not at fault for their behavior. You just need to gain the moral high ground.

If you are a third party or a bystander to retaliatory bullying, try to discern if the person seeking vengeance has actually been wronged, is feeling genuinely hurt, or is just trying to keep an uppity victim under his or her thumb. The last scenario is all-too common. Too often, bullies respond to victims who stand up to them by escalating the bullying. Sometimes the bully will play the victim and misrepresent the real victim's attempt at self-defense as bullying and mischaracterize retaliation as self-defense. If you know the difference between retaliation and self-defense, that will help you see through their victim facade.

In any case, you should refuse to participate and state clearly and firmly why. But if someone is retaliating against someone who really hurt them, that calls for a little finesse and diplomacy. Right is right, wrong is wrong, and you do not want to give the impression in preventing one wrong that you're condoning or defending another. Ensure the legitimately hurt retaliator that you have their best interests in mind, and then offer or help find better means to address their grievances, because repaying bullying with bullying will only damage their credibility and cause nothing but more harm in the long run.

From the Bully Pulpit: Law and Disorder

In an increasing number of cases, survivors of bullying have the law on their side, specifically perhaps an anti-bullying law such as what's on the books in forty seven US states. Canada is also picking up steam with proposed legislation against bullying, as is Australia. The problem I see is that they can be inconsistent, incomplete, and particularly when bullying crosses state or national borders, difficult to enforce.

In too many cases, bullying is treated by law as an issue to be handled by school districts. As a result, such bullying laws only address school bullying and may only touch upon cyber-bullying insofar as it affects students. Some don't even protect children in private schools. Laws against workplace bullying have been much slower to catch on, but those few that exist provide some protection to adults who are bullied- on the condition that they are bullied by an employer or coworker. Freelancers, independent contractors, and the like may also enjoy some protection under those laws. But if a bully is not an employer or coworker, generally the bullied adult has no recourse unless he or she has another criminal or civil complaint, such as a charge of hate crime, harrassment, libel or slander.

Still, some law is better than no law. Bully Police grades the policies various US states and territories have against school bullying. The Workplace Bullying Institute promotes legislation in the US and Canada to address and combat workplace bullying. Both organizations offer valuable services and resources, but I think they (and all bullied people) can benefit by working together and broadening their scope a little. We don't want to just stop school bullying or workplace bullying, but all bullying, right?

From the Bully Pulpit: Words on Words

Some people say that ugly rumors spread like wildfire. I find the comparison scarily appropriate, yet even more frighteningly incomplete. Just like fire requires heat, fuel, and oxygen, all gossip needs is someone sharing a negative story about someone else and the willingness of an audience to hear, spread, and elaborate upon the story for it to start, spread, and do much damage.

Regarding the story, many people might make excuses, saying it’s not bullying or gossip if the story is true. I don’t buy it for a minute. If the point of telling or retelling a story that embarrasses another is mean-spirited fun, it’s sadistic. And if the point is to harm someone personally or professionally, it’s deliberately malicious. 

Regarding the willingness of the audience to hear and spread rumors, very few people are the worst of the worst, willing and deliberate accomplices in personal or professional destruction. Some may have no part in instigating a rumor, but may take delight in being some bearer of late-breaking gossip, no matter what or about whom it actually is. “You’ll never guess what I heard!” Or they feel in some twisted way honored that someone from high up in the social hierarchy imparted this story to them, with or without the added responsibility to pass it on, as if that gives them some greater prestige. “Whozits told me that we all should stay away from Whatshisface because he did such-and-such.” Others, though, are quite simply innocent dupes who believe a rumor and/or that they’re doing people good by passing on “warnings” about the rumor’s subject. They may be genuinely well-meaning people who simply trust the source too much. “Based on what’s being said about this person, it might be in your best interest to keep your distance.”

And here’s where the wildfire analogy breaks down.  Wildfires are dangerous and difficult to contain and suppress. But no fire lines, back burns, or flame retardant can contain an ugly rumor once it’s sparked. No turnouts and emergency shelters can protect someone overrun by gossip. Wildfires even when left alone tend to burn out. Gossip continues when ignored, can dog a person for years, and there are no safe zones. And dealing with gossip can be infinitely more complicated.  While wildfires can be caused by human carelessness, gossip is, contrary to popular misconception, always deliberate.

Asking someone to stop spreading rumors, slander, or libel may sound simple enough, but simple doesn’t always mean easy. Some bullies may hide behind a pretext of good intentions, and a great many bullies of the gossip variety also have popularity and the appearance of a sterling reputation behind which they also hide. But behind the façade of trustworthiness and good intentions often lurk evil things from vendettas and rivalries to a simple but no less destructive desire to maintain social status.  

Some may put up a big show of being offended, no matter how polite and diplomatic you may be in addressing the matter.  If there is a vendetta or rivalry at work, they may employ “if you’re not with me, you’re against me. (And if you’re against me, you’re against all the people who matter.)” This can galvanize their sycophants and make a target out of you if you aren’t the target already.

But the old advice to ignore it also doesn’t work, because silence means the gossip goes unquestioned, and unlike wildfires, it can continue for years without burning out.

What’s a kid to do? Heck, what’s an adult to do, particularly when the gossip gets bad enough to threaten not just reputations and friendships, but careers, marriages, what have you? Are there any good solutions that don’t require an attorney?

Yes, there are, but because there's no one-size-fits-all solution and some sites post conflicting advice, I will post in greater detail later about bullying and the different problems victims may encounter along the way. As for gossip, some good general suggestions include the following:

1. Keep the moral high ground and try to keep cool. While some people don't want to be bothered with the facts, reasonable people will see by your actions that the rumors aren't true.

2. Find the source of the rumor and inquire. Sometimes a rumor is triggered by an honest misunderstanding, not that it excuses spreading around the resulting misconceptions. Still, you don't want to proceed to option three with someone who did not start the rumor or insult you deliberately or with malice. You may want to deal with this and option three if it comes to it in private, but if you have any reason to fear for your safety, you may want a witness or two along.

3. If you've found a real, unapologetic rumor-monger, don't just tell them to stop. Tell them specifically what to stop. Document what's said. If the gossip is taking place on line, save the offending posts or messages to...

4. Take the matter to an authority figure. This may be different from one case to another: a teacher, a supervisor, law enforecment if there are anti-bullying laws on the books, or a lawyer.

If you are the recipient of malicious gossip, don't believe it, don't pass it on, and refuse to be roped into it. And if there is any truth to the rumor (because a rumor doesn't have to be false for it to be malicious gossip), that still does not excuse spreading gossip. You may point that out if need be, but be careful. Bullies will go after anyone they consider a threat, after all.